old musings...

March 10 / 06

It occurs to me that all war, internal and external, is about a lack of self love. All abuse and misdirected anger, self destruction and violence towards others, comes from this fundamental place of not loving who we are; the place of needing to take from others (and ourselves) because, for some reason, we do not feel like we are enough.

I'm certain we were not born in a state of self loathing. That, like everything else, is an acquired skill. And like every skill, it takes practice. We have to work hard to block out the good and continually engage the lies. In some cases it is a full time brain job. I held this position for a long time in my own life, but not long ago I fired myself.

It went something like this.

After a life time of trying to analyze and spiritualize and work my way to a place of self acceptance, I recently found myself in yet another pit of darkness. As I wallowed there choosing helplessness, I asked someone I love "how can you put up with me." His reply changed my life. He said, "Because this is not you. This is a false Susan."

Immediately, I knew he was right. I had allowed layer upon layer of life's difficulties to create a me unrecognizable as the person I was born to be. So I started to think, "If this is the false me who is the real me and where would I find her?" Almost instantly the images began to appear: a little girl in a uniform, beaming after winning a choral competition, a teenage camp councilor, making kids laugh with a song and dance routine, a young, university student hitch-hiking my way though Yukon Territory towards summer employment, a mother-to-be walking five miles a day to give my unborn child her best chance at strength and health.

As I practiced this new way of remembering myself, I came face to face with the reality of how much time I had spent nurturing the memories of the not so stellar moments of my life. I had created a monster me and had been living up to her reputation (at least inside my own head)

From that discovery, I decided to return to another life changing point in time. I went looking for my earliest memory of shame, my first recollection of fear, the beginnings of self hate. I found it, (without much trouble) and I won't describe it here except to say that it happened when I was two and it was not traumatic or abusive or cruel by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, to anyone watching it would probably would have appeared to be harmless, possibly amusing, but certainly a passing moment. For me however, it was the beginning of the un-truth, the agreement I made with the world to be less than me.

Re-visiting this scene in my life, I realized that my first moment of shame was linked with my first awareness of external judgment. (This is probably true for most humans). As I watched the memory play in my mind, re-living the pain I had felt as a child I was filled with a compassion for my wee self. There I was, barely passed babyhood, absorbing a comment that would shape me, change me, a criticism that I would allow to impact me from that instant onward.

This time, however, I didn't stay in the pain , because it occurred to me that if I went a little further back in time, even five minutes earlier in my life, I might find the real story, the pre-shame, pre-fear era of my existence. I might find the person who was certain of self.

So I did. I went back

The truth about strong memories is that they are strong for a reason. This memory is potent for me because it impacted me in a negative way. If it had not, I may never have remembered any part of that particular day in my life. So, when I tried to go back further, to a time even minutes before the incident of which I speak, I did not have a clear memory. All I had were my suppositions, my imagination, my belief. And using those things (which I deem valid) this is what I discovered .

Once upon a time I was a happy, naked, child, prancing proudly across my living room floor,

December 01/06:

I saw the results of a social experiment where a homeless man was given on hundred thousand dollars and all the resources needed to change his life. In a very short time the money was gone and he was homeless again. As I watched, I felt my own temptation to comment upon this situation with some sense of self-righteous judgment; and then I saw the truth. I have been given all the resources to better my own life. Time and again I am offered opportunities, support, wisdom, love and yes, even money. More often than not I have squandered some part or all of these offerings without using them to my best advantage. Today I sit in judgment of myself knowing now that I want to do better.

December 02/06:

I must strive to be the best I can be as a response to the miracle of being, to honor the wonder of my unique possibilities. When I strive for any other reason I feel emptiness and a constant hunger for more.

December 03/06:

Every decision I make sheds light on the divine creation that is me or casts a shadow on the same and only my heart will know the difference.

newer than new

Tuesday, January 23, 2007
I am presently reading a book called "The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent" which (to paraphrase it's bottom line) states that as eternal, spiritual, energies each of us has manifested herself (or himself, as the case may be) in physical form for one reason and one reason only - to experience JOY. Our"job" as human beings (according to these writings)is to explore the physical realm with the purpose of discovering and living out our unique identity and role in the expansion of all that is.

Apparently, we are not here to fix things or to follow rules or to prove ourselves or collect stuff. We are here to discover our preferences based on all the contrast we see around us and then to expect our desires to manifest themselves as we simply (or not so simply) get out of their way by eliminating negative blocks to said desires.

WOW, I like it! It's a lot different than the words I grew up hearing in the Christian Church,or is it? What about: "Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be open, ask and it shall be given." As a child I wanted those words to be true in a literal sense. I wanted to be able to ask for things like a trip to Disneyland or more money or a different body. But I understood, as did everyone around me, the unwritten limitations implied in those scriptures. They went something like this: Seek and ye shall find,"as long as you're looking in the direction God wants you to look. Knock and the door shall be open "just make sure you are knocking on acceptable doors. Ask and it shall be given,"provided you are asking for the "right" things. As a result of that awareness, I learned to feel guilty about asking for anything for myself because it probably wasn't what God would want or, more importantly, I probably didn't deserve it. I know, waa, waa, waa. But hear me out.

What if those scriptures really "were to be taken literally? What if those words from "God's" mouth (through what ever human conduit and mishmash of interpretations and translations and dust and grime and pony express rides) to our ears, were meant to be taken seriously, not doubted, not watered down not twisted or denied. What if we, as living creatures on the planet have more creative power than we realize and are actually meant to trust our desires and believe that we are worthy of having those desires met. What if we are meant to partake in the miraculous abundance that life has to offer and enjoy our own particular and valid way of being in the world. What if our unique interests and passions, when met and validated by our belief in our "worthiness", were to become an essential part of the process of forward movement for the entire universe towards those things which we collectively seem to desire: peace, wellness, respect, connection and riches for all. And what if we could each fulfill our dreams without needing to measure them up against the dreams of others.

I, for one, am newer than new when it comes to self valuing but I have noticed one thing. The days, or should I say moments, when I choose to believe that "Ask and it shall be given" was meant as a truthful, gracious offering from the universe and its loving entities, are the moments I feel hopeful, worthy, loved and loving. On the other hand, the moments I doubt the truth of those words, I feel hopeless, selfish, lost and am left with not much to offer. The concept that we are all here to experience the joy of being our unique selves in order to better all life, is becoming easier and easier for me to grasp. Even if it is not true that I found my way into this particular body and being to recognize my preferences and experience the fullness of joy through pursuit of the same, and even if it is folly to imagine that the fulfillment of my desires may some somehow have a positive effect on something so grand as the expansion of the universe itself, I live better when I believe these things to be true.

I'm Back

A return to blog world. I look forward to the outlet.